A Musician's Survival Guide to Beer
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
(Author Unknown)SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION
| Feet
cold and wet Glass Being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling |
Everyone
looks up to you and smiles You are dancing on the table Fall on someone cushy-looking |
| Feet warm
and wet Improper Bladder Control Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training |
Beer is
crystal-clear It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him |
| Beer
unusually
pale and tasteless a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite Get someone to buy you another beer |
People are
standing
around urinals, talking or putting on makeup You're in the ladies' room Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional) |
| Opposite
wall covered
with fluorescent lights You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar |
Hands
hurt,
nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in a fight Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them |
| Mouth
contains cigarette
butts, back of head covered with ashes You have fallen forward See above |
Don't
recognize
anyone, don't recognize the room you're in You've wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer |
| Beer
tasteless,
front of your shirt is wet a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to restroom, practice in mirror |
Your
bedroom
is painted grey, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel
door.
Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach |
| Floor
Blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer |
You are
dancing
to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You're in a gay bar Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for back rubs |
| Floor
moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar |
Your
singing
sounds distorted The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves |
| Room seems
unusually
dark Bar has closed Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run |
Don't
remember the
words to the song Beer is just right Play air guitar |
| Taxi
suddenly takes
on colourful aspect and textures Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside |
Beer and Patriotism
Who
Said?
Give me liberty or give me beer, but I’d rather you give me liberty and
beer.
Last
Update: 11 August 2008
Credits:
Donn Mee, Richie Blue